achieving financial decline and net negative returns
we only invest in guaranteed losers and burn through capital faster than we can raise it
quarterly board meetings
each quarter, our board meets to identify the least profitable investments possible. we review our portfolio to decide which losers deserve more capital
we're proud of our ability to consistently destroy value and automate everything except losses
we're accepting applications for new board seats. ideal candidates have:
- a track record of financial failures
- ideas that guarantee negative returns
- deep commitment to burning runway
our mission
at UNPROFITABLE, we've reimagined what a holding company can be. while others chase profits, we've committed to the art of calculated financial erosion.
our mandate: achieve consistent negative returns through strategic investments that efficiently destroy capital
we measure success by the depth of our losses, celebrating each quarter's achievement in negative growth
our portfolio companies understand that in a world obsessed with profit, true vision lies in strategic decline
investment portfolio
three operating companies. zero path to a checkout. we backed the losers we can actually spell.
turbo yerba
yerba maté energy drinks with ubiquinol, twice the caffeine, and a can count that still outruns our revenue
coming soon
turbo heart
a ubiquinol supplement aiming for every pharmacy aisle we cannot currently stock. mitochondria first, margin never
coming soon
malaphortune
fortune cookies that mash idioms so hard they cannot turn a profit. botched wisdom. deliciously delayed
coming soon
advisory board
da
chief value dissolution officer
expert in resource misallocation and turning assets into liabilities while maintaining a premium wagyu budget
bg
chief crypto investment officer
angel investor in blockchain technologies that promise astronomical returns but consistently depreciate to zero
zm
executive director of ai hallucinations
leads ai initiatives that generate impressively incorrect outputs while solving non-existent problems at maximum cost
sf
chief automation complexity officer
designs automated systems that require more human intervention than manual processes while maximizing infra costs
ag
executive vice president of meme economics
transforms internet memes into costly business ventures, timing market entry to coincide perfectly with meme obsolescence
contact us
for investment opportunities that align with our mission of strategic value destruction, reach out. we're especially interested in founders with big vision and absolutely no path to profitability